Dating and Dichotomy Culture
“Have fun and don’t have any expectations, just go with the flow.”
“Don’t worry, there’s SOMEONE out there for you.”
“Just make sure you’re married by the time you’re 30.”
“Damn, you are just too picky.”
No pressure, right? In a time where our carefully curated Instagram feeds that depict perfect smiles and scenic backdrops of our latest vacations are representative of who we are at our core, it’s no wonder that the conversation barely hovers past surface-level. For someone like myself, all of this shit pushed me to the edge of suffocation. I struggled to exist in a culture comprised of dichotomy; one where we are seemingly told to do whatever the fuck we want and yet not at the expense of being “too much” or “too difficult.”
“Give me intimacy, not just the digital suggestion of it. Give me a life where the pantomime of connection is no longer allowed to substitute for acts of deep relation to other people.”
I had scribbled this down furiously on a green Post-It note back in 2018 as both a reminder to myself and as an act of silent defiance towards the concept of “modern dating.” In true Anu fashion, I must have heard this somewhere in passing (A podcast episode? A YouTube video buried deep in the trenches of my search history at 3 am when I should have been completing a paper? Who even knows.) and jotted it down for future reference...all while failing to cite the reference. Truthfully, the meaning behind the words on that badly written Post-It have been etched into my mind ever since. I was at the brink of 27, and about a year and a half out of the aftermath of a gut-wrenching breakup. I had left that relationship at 25 and yet there I was, almost 27...barely able to shake off the residual pain of being involved with an unflinchingly non-committal and quintessential fuckboy. He walked in and out of my life as he pleased, never staying for too long and caring solely about himself throughout the process. I had lowered my own personal standards to meet someone in the gray spaces of an in-between that placed us neither here and nor there on the relationship spectrum. His kisses would begin so assuredly, only to tense up nervously and lose their flavor each time he sensed that we were moving in too close.
Sound familiar yet? It was a position that, frankly too many of us would admit to knowing all too well. And yet despite all of this, I was determined to turn things around for myself by rejecting what was not working for me. Holding space for people and experiences that compromised my emotional well-being had depleted me and reinforced the belief that I was not my own priority. I had become emotionally vacant and spiritually broken by accepting into my life the things that had not served me. Caring for those who were broken themselves had taken away parts of me that I never felt I’d be able to get back. Thankfully, I was wrong. With the passage of time and intentional focus on healing, I was slowly able to fill the gaps and spaces that I lamented over. When you “adjust” and “compromise” who you are to keep someone close, you dishonor your emotions and spirit.
“Intimacy” and “connection” had just become catchphrases that people threw around in conversations without truly understanding the gravity of what those words entailed. Simply mentioning these words but keeping others at an arm’s length seemed to be the acceptable norm. None of it seemed genuine and all of it felt like a performance. But a performance for what? This question has circled my mind for all of the months and now years that have followed. It pushed me to dissect the true essence of how I relate to others and connect with them, romantically and platonically. I came to understand the insidious influence of social media and online dating culture, and how it shapes the way we learn about one another without ever truly getting too close. I had reached the point of unmasking this approach for what it was: shallow, half-assed and fear-based.
Why was I performing? Why was I talking about myself so inauthentically? When did I begin to feel the need to sell myself in exchange for possibly forming a connection with someone? Did I even LIKE this person in front of me? In the aftermath of my heartbreak, I had subscribed to the notion that I wasn’t allowed to want what I want...and that it was unachievable in this world that cared more about how I presented myself rather than the imperfections that make me who I am. It’s an intricate and convoluted place to be. Learning to love yourself for all that you are while making peace with the traumas of your past and simultaneously “putting yourself out there” was an insurmountable task on its own. At 27, I was knee deep in living up to the versions of myself that my previous partners, friends and family members had projected onto me. I was fucking tired.
The people in my life meant well for me. Truthfully, I was just too scarred from my previous experiences to really show up for myself authentically in most of my relationships. This is when I adopted my “pseudo-self” where I succeeded in “getting to know” others without truly being seen. Like slipping into an old and comfortable sweater, I felt safe under a layer of genial pretenses warmly welcomed by those who had no intentions or capacity of scratching past the surface. It was all bullshit and incredibly lonely. I had moved further and further away from finding genuine connection by keeping this armor on. Nonetheless, I like to believe that all of the discomfort was for something.
I just turned 29 last week. From the time that I wrote on that Post-It note, I’ve moved light years away from the self-destructive habits and self-limiting beliefs that once held me back. It is a journey of unraveling and unlearning, but mostly just rejecting the hell out of anything that doesn’t feel true to who I am - with no questions asked. Having once felt lost, I know the effects of not standing your ground when letting others in. I have embraced being unapologetically direct about my needs and wants with others early on, which I wish was celebrated and talked about more in the dating world. More so than which bar or restaurant is the perfect first date spot to impress your Hinge matches.
There is always more to a person underneath the surface, and that is where the magic lies. True connection entails seeing, acknowledging and choosing to engage with all parts of someone - flaws and all.
- Anu Upadhyay