Healing From a Narcissistic Parent
by Mytrae Meliana
Mental illness in parents creates a host of challenges for their children. Whether it is a personality disorder, mood disorder, PTSD, or an addiction, children of mentally ill parents grow up not only with unsafe and unsupportive parents, but abusive ones.
One such mental illness is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Like any personality disorder, narcissism exists on a spectrum. What this means is that one person can be mildly narcissistic, another can be a textbook narcissist, and yet another can be a more severe kind, a malignant narcissist, with elements of psychopathy and sociopathy.
A narcissist, like every other human being, has a core wound that gets formed in very early years. The narcissist’s core wound is insecurity. To cover up or compensate for their wounding, the narcissist develops a defense so they never feel the pain and loss of their core wound.
Four main narcissistic traits are:
Self-centeredness: The narcissist is the center of their universe and surrounds themselves with people who will bow to that belief. Conversations center around them, where they constantly talk about their accomplishments and anything that positions them in a superior or flattering light. They will exaggerate their importance, even lie about themselves, to seek your regard and adoration. They feed off your regard towards them and your compliments. They can also be slighted very easily. They aren’t emotionally available to listen to or validate you, especially to anything that doesn’t make them feel better about themselves, and to be there for you.
Grandiosity and superiority: Narcissists believe and emphatically convey that they are better than and superior to others. They are the snobs, and the people for whom status is of paramount importance. Physical appearances, material wealth, trophy spouses or children, accomplishments, and contacts in high places are extremely important to them. Their connections with ‘what’ and ‘who’ is considered superior and special shores up their deep insecurity.
Lack of empathy: The narcissist doesn’t have room in their heart for another person. People, for a narcissist, are to be used, are extensions of themselves, or outright enemies. They will not hesitate to use, ask favors, and blatantly transgress and violate boundaries. They do not have the capacity for empathy — to understand another person’s experience and feel for them. So whether it is a partner or child, and especially when someone is going through a vulnerable, painful, or challenging time, the narcissist will dismiss, deny, or even scorn them because they perceive them as ‘weak’. The narcissist lacks connection to their heart, so is unable to provide kindness, compassion, care, and love.
Lack of vulnerability. The narcissist will never show or share their emotions. They are terrified to feel and be perceived as ‘weak’, ‘fragile’, or ‘vulnerable’ because they are constantly presenting a front and posturing. Emotions are considered ‘weak’ and they will do anything to not feel them, or be with those who are feeling them. The narcissist always wants everything to be perfect because anything less goes against their perfect image of themselves. An “imperfect” or “weak” spouse or child will be rejected, scorned, even abused because it threatens the narcissist’s need to feel in control and superior. The last thing a narcissist will do is apologize and say they have made a mistake. A narcissist will rarely, if ever, seek out therapy.
Children of narcissistic parents
As a child of a narcissistic parent, you have spent years experiencing and dodging rejection, invalidation, gaslighting, even abuse. You are not seen, heard, or loved for who you are, but for who your narcissistic parent needed you to be — for them. Your needs, wants, and dreams were neglected or demeaned. They will do everything in their power to shape you into who they want you to be, so they feel and look good about themselves.
Low self-worth: A child of a narcissistic parent grows up being invalidated for her needs, desires, and emotions. She grew up in the world of, and believes in the spell that the narcissistic parent created — that the parent is good, better, and more important than her. So she constantly doubts herself, invalidates herself, and learns to caretake and people please.
Healing is to open your eyes and realize that the story your narcissistic parent fed you about yourself is false. Surround yourself with friends, trusted others, and professionals who can pierce through and correct your incorrect story about yourself, and mirror your true worth back to you, so you discover your truth and worth.
Codependence: You have been trained since infancy to parent your narcissistic parent. You have learned that love is to be needed by another, and that their approval makes you a good person. You have been rejected time and again for being your true self, possibly even punished or abused for it. This creates a deep sense of worthlessness, chronic shame, and a belief that you aren’t lovable. It is common, after having a narcissistic parent, to be a codependent, people-pleaser, and caretaker. You may find it hard to recognize and receive true love, because you haven’t been respected and honored, leave alone loved and cherished.
Healing codependency is learning to choose yourself, set boundaries, and love yourself. Learn to give yourself the love, care, and nurturing that is so effortless for you to give others. Take time for yourself. Place your needs, wants dreams, and ambitions at the center of your life. Learn to be with yourself. Do what brings you joy, fun, play, and excitement. Feeling shame or guilt when you disappoint someone doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Instead, give yourself permission to set boundaries, and say ‘no’.Self-doubt: You struggle to pursue and realize your dreams, instead sabotage them. You don’t believe you are worthy, or that your gifts have any value. You come to believe that another’s needs, dreams, and ambitions are more important than your own, so it is second nature for you to doubt, squelch, and dismiss your own, while supporting theirs.
It is essential to claim your gifts and talents, whatever your age. You are a unique being. Your gifts are yours and yours alone. Schedule time to do what you love and brings you joy. Take a class or workshop. Gather with supportive friends and groups who share your interests, talents, and passions. Hire a coach. Learn to rebel against and change the voice of your Inner Critic into positive self-talk so you encourage and celebrate yourself, at every step. Begin with small steps and they will lead you to the mountain top.However hard it is to have had a narcissistic parent, you can liberate yourself and live your own true, joyful, and inspired life.