Navigating Relationships
As many South Asians during this time, I’ve been watching Indian Matchmaking. While the show does help to capture the reality of the pressures and experiences of unmarried South Asians, it, like our society, does not portray how to manage a relationship as much. Even when it does focus on relationships developing, it focuses on the superficial that might be entertaining and less on the proper instruction on how to navigate relationships and dating after the show is over.
I think South Asian attitudes toward relationships are so confusing. We are told that we should aspire to marriage and children, yet are fiercely restricted from dating and relationships. Our parents and grandparents marriages were most likely arranged, with “love marriages” considered a taboo among society. This can be in stark contrast to Western culture which views love and freedom as the road to relationships and marriage.
The other thing about South Asian attitudes towards marriage and relationships is the avoidance of discussion on failed relationships, trauma, and how relationships can get toxic. We cover our mistakes and pain under the facade of duty and family. What particularly struck me was the cycles of trauma and codependency are connected to broader cultural and structural issues in South Asian society. Our trauma connected to colonialism, religious difference, casteism and so many other '-isms' in our society manifests itself in our relationships, not just in romantic relationships, but all relationships that we have and share.
This is also reflected in our codependency due to our focus on family values and putting the family above our personal needs. This is expressed in the podcast episode with Smita, which will be released Wednesday, where the phenomenon is defined as a one sided relationship in which one person desires approval and meets their emotional needs from the other, who encourages this behavior to feel needed. The episode highlights this behavior as common among the mother in laws and wives. We see a cycle of this behavior generate: the mother in law encourages her son to marry a wife, then wife becomes a mother in law that becomes codependent when her son marries. These examples showcase how the behaviors we’ve heard and seen are part of larger systemic issues that need to be recognized and addressed promptly.
Overall, I hope that we can start engaging in conversations about both the good and bad relationships that we can experience in our life. I hope our parents and grandparents can be honest about the trauma one can inflict and be comfortable enough to address and work through the trauma. This is not an easy journey, but an important one if we are to continue our life and navigate and maintain healthy relationships.
by Kartik Ramkumar