God, Mental Health, and Time
Raise your hand if you’ve been told to “pray” your depression away.
Like any other kid, I was curious about but never got answers as to why we performed the customs we did in the Hindu religion. I was told to pray for good grades, or a happier life for our family. I couldn’t see how that would help, so I rejected Hindu practices early on.
By far the biggest reason I couldn’t identify with religion is because I could never pray my depression away. I have been depressed as far back as I can remember, and was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder as an adult. As a kid, there was always a feeling of being different, and feeling alone. Even before my teenage years I felt the hard press of time passing me by while my depression lingered. I failed to achieve the things I was supposed to achieve: good grades, a budding social life, and the simple joy of being a regular, happy kid. I knew nothing of depression or mental health, so I attributed my failures to my lack of control over time. Time brought changes impulsively, and prayer seemed to be the worst form of defense. No amount of prayer can stop time. Time was the reason I kept moving through grades and classes without the opportunity to fix my problems. I watched my life whiz by me and because I didn’t know about depression, time was the culprit. I couldn’t fix it, so I did what comes naturally to humans - I feared time. Out of options, my best defense was to focus on what was important to me: like art, math, swimming, and my friends. I thought if I poured my energy into what I knew was good for my health, it would help me to cope.
Unsurprisingly, this was the right choice. The more I poured myself into the arts, education, my friends, and acts of service, the more I learned to shut out the fears I had in life. For me, focus was the only weapon that could combat fear. That attitude taught me that time is not the enemy. The only real enemy in life is the one you create.
The biggest irony of all of this is that focus is exactly what prayer entails.
Maybe if someone had told me that prayer is, in many ways, a way of calming and focusing the mind, I would have identified more with Hinduism. I believe that the Hindu gods were depicted in a visual manner and in millions of different forms, so that we humans could understand better what is important in life and choose “who” (or “what”) to focus our energies on. I’m not the only one who thinks this. For me, it was the arts and education. Maybe it’s not an odd coincidence that my name, Tanushree, is a moniker for Saraswati, the Goddess of arts and education, who is often depicted playing a sitar (incidentally, my instrument of choice). Perhaps if I had thought of Saraswati puja as a metaphorical way of dedicating myself to the things that nourish and complete me, I would have identified more with Hinduism. Hinduism talks a lot about dharmic responsibility, or duty. Theoretically, the best Hindus are the ones who put all their efforts into completing their rightful duties. According to the concept of dharma, hard work itself is a form of prayer. By relentlessly pursuing my passions and responsibilities - the things that the Goddess Saraswati represents - I unwittingly upheld one of the basic tenets of Hinduism.
In short, my rejection of Hinduism came from the fear of things I can’t control. Leaning into my strengths made me not only a better Hindu but a better person, because I learned to make peace with things I cannot control. Duty means controlling the things you can control, always trying your best, and trusting yourself to make the right decisions.
Learning to accept time, and in turn my depression, is how I came to terms with the uncertainties in life and therefore, God. Peace repaired my relationship with God - whatever God is. I see my making peace with time & depression as analogous with making peace with God because similar to time, God also controls everything and seems to have his/her/their own plan. As I continue on my mental health journey, I am constantly recalibrating my faith in God and in time. For me, it hinges on a careful balance between the two. I’m not going to pray my depression away - but I have found ways to utilize aspects of faith and prayer that have given me tools to cope with my mental health.
by Tanushree
Further Reading
Imagining Reality: Image and Visualization in Classical Hinduism, by Sthaneshwar Timalsina