Marriage & Divorce

I was watching a recent interview with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie where she was commenting on her new book and said, “We raise girls to aspire for marriage like we never raise boys to.” I started thinking more about this statement especially as a South Asian. Marriage is a topic of conversation for girls from a very young age and becomes the goal that they need to achieve in their lifetime. Saving for a girl’s dowry and finding the right match become topics of conversation that define their life. The goal is for her situation to be settled, meaning a girl who is not settled is compromising her future.

This outlook on marriage doesn’t leave any room for deviation. One isn’t supposed to delay marriage or dissolve a marriage through annulment or divorce. Marriage is viewed as sacred and unbreakable. Even if you do dare to divorce, it needs to be for a specific reason due to violence or a spouse cheating on you. We set such a high standard for marriage that we can’t accept that sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

I think what I realized is that it is important to view relationships and marriage through the lens of your mental and relationship health. Liberate yourself from the idea that marriage is a goal you must accomplish. Marriage is just one part of the whole tapestry of life. Do you feel ready to get married? Do you feel like your relationship is healthy and supportive of your overall health and happiness? Answers to these questions can help you figure out your current stance on these issues.

The other important thing to understand is that what the media or society tells you is the right choice, may not be the right choice for you. It does not mean that you are rebelling against what’s expected of you. Rather, you are seeking out what you truly need. This applies especially when you are evaluating the next step in your relationship or marriage. Do not make these decisions based on what society or your family/friends have told you about relationships or divorce. Evaluate your relationship and how you feel. If you feel like the relationship needs to end, try to understand why. Have a conversation with your partner (if you feel it is safe to and trust your partner to have a constructive conversation). If divorce or breaking up is the answer, that is okay!

Too often, we place the immense and exacting societal and family pressures associated with marriage/relationships. However, these pressures can force us to stay in relationships that are not healthy or comfortable. Evaluate your relationships and determine what is best for you and stick with those choices, even if they go against the expectations of family and society. In the end, this process will improve your health, well-being and allow you to pursue happiness.

by Kartik Ramkumar